Encyclopédie perfectible de l'humour anglo-saxon
Par Marcel Monpatron

JEROME Jerome K. (1859-1927)

Trois Homme dans un Bateau (Sans parler du chien)

Attention, « attention chef d'oeuvre ». Je dis attention puisque cette invective est galvaudée; et pourtant, impossile de décrire « Three Men in a Boat (to say nothing of the dog) » avec plus de concision.

J'ai sué sang et eau à la recherche d'extraits, non qu'il soit dur d'en trouver mais plutôt absolument déchirant de choisir ceux que j'allais vous présenter. Voilà quelques jours que je glousse sans réserve dans les lieux publics, secoué de hoquets de rire mal contenus, voire réprimés, et lorsque j'ai bien vérifié que je suis seul chez moi et que personne ne m'observe, je laisse échappement des rugissements de rire qui doivent laisser mes voisins perplexes, mais pas autant que les activités nocturnes de mon voisin du dessus, enfin là c'est surtout moi qui cogite.

Ce livre est connu, ce qui est moins le cas de son auteur, Jerome K. Jerome, si ce n'est en tant qu'auteur de « Trois Hommes dans un Bateau », qui n'a pas pris une ride depuis plus d'un siècle, juste de la patine. Non mais. Si vous l'avez lu, relisez-le, si vous ne l'avez pss lu, lisez-le pour pouvoir le relire lorsque le fardeau de l'existence se fera sentir, ciel bas et lourd, couvercle, tout ça.

Allez hop, la sauce, gamin:

Tout d'abord, les présentations de chapitre (10 pages en moyenne (le chapitre, pas la présentation (neuneu)))

Chapter 15: Household duties – Love of work – The old river hand, what he does and what he tells you he has done – Scepticism of new generation – Early boating recollection – Rafting – George does the thing in style – The old boatman, his method – So calm, so full of peace – The beginner – Punting – A sad accident – Pleasures of friendship – Sailing, my first experience – Possible reason why we were not drowned.

Et en pot-pourri: The « weather forecast » swindle – We drive off in great style, and arrive at Waterloo [station]– Innocence of south western officials concerning such worldly things as trains – Montmorency [le chien, dont on ne parle même pas] thinks he will murder an old tom cat – But eventually decides that he will let him live – shameful conduct of a fox-terrier at the civil service stores – George's banjo studies meet with discouragement.

Evidemment, pour y goûter pleinement, il faut avoir lu le chapitre, aussi. Normal. Bah ouais.

« So we filled our kettle with Thames backwater, and boiled it, and very careful we were to see that it did boil. [...] Harris and I followed his gaze, and saw, coming down towards us on the sluggish cureent, a dog. It was one of the quietest and peacefullest dogs I have ever seen. I never met a dog who seemed more contented – more easy in its mind. It was floating dreamily on its back, with its four legs stuck up into the air. It was what I should call a full-bodied dog, with a well-developed chest. On he came, serene, dignified, and calm, until he was abreast of our boat, and there, among the rushes, he eased up, and settled down cosily for the evening.

George said he didn't want any tea, and emptied his cup into the water, Harris did not feel thirsty, either, and followed suit. I had drunk half mine, but I wished I had not. I asked George if I was likely to have typhoid. He said: Oh no; he thought I had a very good chance of excaping it. Anyhow, I should know in about a fortnight wether I had it or not. »

« We had knocked those three old gentlemen off their chairs into a general heap at the bottom of the boat, and they were now slowly and painfully sorting themselves out from each other, and picking fish of themselves; and as they worked, they cursed us – not with a common cursory curse, but with long, carefully-thought-out, comprehensive curses, that embraced the whole of our career, and went away into the distant future, and included all our relations, and covered everything connected with us – good, substantial curses. »

(A propos des propriétaires des terrains riverains de la Tamise apposant des panneaux d'avertissement divers et variés)

« If these men had their way, they would close the river Thames altogether. They actually do this along the minor tributary streams and in the backwaters. They drive posts into the bed of the stream, and draw chains across from bank to bank, and nail huge notice-boards on every tree. The sight of these notice-boards rouses every evil instinct in my nature. I feel I want to tear each one down, and hammer it over the head of the man who put it up, until I have killed him, and then I would bury him, and put the board up over the head as a tombstone.

I mentioned these feelings of mine to Harris, na dhe said he had them worse than that. He said he not only wanted to kill the man who caused the board to be put up, but also that he should like to slaughter the whole of his family and all his friends and relations, and then burn down his house. This seemed to me to be going too far, and I said so to Harris; but he answered: 'Not a bit of it. Serve'em all jolly well right, and I'd go and sing comic songs on the ruins.'

I was vexed to hear Harris go on in this bloodthirsty strain. We never ought to allow our instinct of justice to degenerate into mere vindictiveness. It was a long while before I could get Harris to take a more Christian view of the subject, but I suceeded at last, and he promised me that he would spare the friends and relations at all events, and would not sing comic songs on the ruins.

You have never heard Harris sing a comic song, or or you would understand the service I had rendered to mankind. It is one of Harris's fixed ideas that he can sing a comic song, the fixed idea, on the contrary, among those of Harris's friends who have heard him try, is that he can't, and never will be able to, and that he ought not to be allowed to try. »

A titre informatif, l'intégralité de l'oeuvre est consultable ici.